Why Every Middle Aged Woman Needs a Bestie

By Lisa Kroulik © November 6, 2011

Little did I know in September 1984 that the new girl who took the time to talk to me in Child Development class would still be a part of my life when we nearly three times older. Monica was new to our high school, which may partly explain that she didn’t realize how low I fell in the high school popularity pecking order.

After a miserable sophomore year in which I didn’t have a single friend, I began my junior year with high hopes of things being different this year. I vowed to do whatever it took to leave my painful shyness behind and actually speak to people. As it turns out, a girl who had moved into the area that summer and didn’t know a soul the day she walked through the doors of Cooper High School would beat me to the punch.

Monica and I had a blast our remaining two years in high school. As fate would have it, we never had another class together. The only reason we ended up in Child Development at the same time was due to her late registration to the district and lack of available electives. In June 1986, we collected our diplomas and began the journey of adulthood.

How many people say they are going to stay in touch with their high school friends and never do? They may graduate from high school with the best of intentions, only to have life take over and make them too busy to devote time to friendships. I’m happy to say that didn’t happen to us. Keep in mind this was 1986, long before cell phones, email, Facebook or any of the other ways we have to stay connected today.

Monica has been with me through severe depression, addiction, a marriage that went horribly wrong, a divorce that happened years later than it should have, raising two children and another marriage just last year. There were times I was astounded at her loyalty. Never once did she say, “You’re just too messed up. I’m out of here.” In fact, I credit her with saving my life. It was my friend from 11^th grade Child Development class who had the courage to tell me my first husband’s behavior was abusive. She then listened to me talk several times a week, sometimes for three or four hours at a time, for the next three years until I figured it out for myself.

Through nearly three decades of friendship, we still manage to get together at least once a week. Sometimes, one of us brings up our escapades from high school and we laugh until we’re crying. Our inside jokes and tales from long ago are still hilarious after more than a quarter of a century. I treasure this relationship like no other. I know a friendship like this comes around once in a lifetime and I thank God that the paths of two nervous 16-year-olds crossed so long ago.

As women who have grown up believing we can have it all, we may have chased it all at the expense of true friendship. Between marriage, kids and a career, who has time for close women friends? I strongly suggest that you make the time. When our spouse can’t be everything we need or want, when our world is falling apart and no one seems to care, when our parents die and our kids rebel, when no one in our current life understands where we came from – we need our friends.

Of course, to have a friend, we must also be a friend. The relationship should be mutually beneficial without one person feeling like they do all the giving and the other person feeling entitled to do all the taking. Friendships ebb and flow. The person with the greatest need should receive the most attention. When the situation changes and the other friend needs love and care, we shouldn’t think twice about providing it.

Women are hardwired to need close friendships with other women, according to a 2010 report put out by Psychology Today. We spend so much time nurturing others that we need relationships that also nurture us. Having a relationship outside of our family where we feel safe and respected is incredibly important to our sense of well-being. We need to know there is someone we could call at 3 am when we need comfort or who we can just hang out with and not have the demands of work or family life.

To have a relationship like this, we need to invest the time into it. That means being a part of each other’s lives in more than an “I’m fine, how are you?” kind of way. It means finding the time to reach out and show you care about a friend on a regular basis. The kinds of friendships that most nourish our soul have much more to do with quality than they do with quantity. Even if you have dozens of casual acquaintances, do you feel you can be yourself with any of them? While those relationships are important too, they probably won’t bring the same meaning to our lives as closer relationships with just a few different women.

My wish for all my middle-aged sisters is that you have at least one friend who means the world to you. If you don’t, she’s probably still out there, waiting for fate to bring you together and the two of you to take it from there.