The False Self of the Narcissist: Two People in One

By Lisa Kroulik © March 15, 2011

Narcissist is an easy word to throw around, especially when you are upset with someone behaving in a particularly selfish manner. All human beings have the capacity to be incredibly self-absorbed at times, but when does this behavior cross the line and become dysfunctional? And what is narcissism anyway, besides just a fun word to say and a hard word to spell?

The term narcissism was derived from the Greek legend of Narcissus, a beautiful young man who spent his life gazing at his own reflection in a pool of water and eventually fell in love with it. He never realized he was looking at himself, for he had never had the opportunity to see his own reflection. The irony in this is that many young women in the village adored him, but he rejected all of them in favor of his own image.

That is the derision of the word, and this is the meaning, according to a definition put forth by the Mayo Clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” It's almost as if people with this personality disorder are two people in one body.

Like so many personality disorders, the development of narcissistic traits can be traced to early childhood. Much has been written and debated about this issue, but in my opinion, the bottom line on what causes narcissism is the child's inability to develop an authentic personal identity. This occurs when the child did not receive unconditional acceptance and love from caregivers and compensated by trying to meet his own needs. In typical childish fashion, the way to do that is to demand love from others, manipulate people for his own selfish ends and deny that he is anything but perfect.

At the other extreme, some psychologists feel that narcissism is caused by overindulgence in childhood. Excessive attention, unearned praise, having their desires constantly catered to, and being rescued from the consequences of their own mistakes can create a person who honestly believes that other people exist solely to serve them.

The narcissist is nothing if not a fabulous actor. In order to defend himself* against hurt and other normal human emotions, the narcissist projects a grandiose image to the world. His False Self is highly intelligent, incredibly virtuous, and completely without fault. He believes this is who he truly is and demands that everyone else accept this image as the real thing. His True Self, the one who is insecure, imperfect and likely hiding very unacceptable behavior, lies so deep within him that even he is not consciously aware of it There is nothing a narcissist won't do in order to keep his True Self hidden from the world and from himself.

The narcissist has a deep need to be admired and will seek out relationships with people who will reflect back his False Self. Should anyone so much as hint that his False Self is nothing but a fraud, the narcissist will become enraged and cut that person out of his life without a second thought. It doesn't matter if that person is a parent, spouse, child or someone else with close ties in the narcissist's life. To him, exposing the False Self for what it really is constitutes the ultimate betrayal.

*75% of narcissists are men; therefore, that pronoun will be used for the remainder of this article.

I met the narcy, as I sometimes refer to my ex-husband, when I was 24 years old. I was enamored from the very beginning. He was tall, handsome and -- at first-- unbelievably charming. He was very different from any man I had ever known. He didn't drink, smoke, or swear. He went to church and seemed to be perpetually happy. I could not believe my luck, and I often told him so. That is exactly what he needed to hear in order to fuel his own narcissistic supply.

As the months went on, I began to notice some inconsistencies in my boyfriend. I didn't actually see him do any of the things we heard about at church, and I began to wonder if it was a front he used to project his righteous image. When talking to people he perceived as important, he seemed to get all puffed up and use a different tone of voice than usual. Actually, it is still very hard to explain, and it's been a long time since I was 24. I have always been an intuitive person and I just felt that something wasn't quite right with this guy.

Now that I know narcissists lack empathy, so much of my life with him makes more sense. He practically handed me a red flag a year into dating, but I rationalized it somehow. My grandfather had passed away at the age of 91. A long, full life, to be sure, but he was still my Grandpa and my last remaining grandparent. I assumed that my boyfriend would want to comfort me and be with me at such a time, but I was wrong. From the time my grandfather died until after the funeral was over, I did not hear from him. Not a card, no a phone call, nothing. When we finally reconvened, I felt sad and wanted to talk. His response to that was, “It's all over and done with and you're still broken up about it?” Wow.

Unfortunately, I ignored my intuition, continued to rationalize his confusing behavior, and married him three years after we met. I believed for a long time that the False Self he projected to everyone, even to me, was who he really was. The weirdness only got more intense. He truly did not know how to connect emotionally with another person.

When I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him and talk about things that were real, he just looked at me with a blank stare. In fact, he often stared at me, as if studying my behavior so he would know how to act empathetic in the future. It took me a very long time to figure out that unless there was something in it for him, he had no interest in relating to people at all. It was a very strange experience to be living with someone who looked like a person on the outside, but who was completely hollow inside.

The mistaken belief that my narcy would want to change, if only he understood the root of his issues, is what kept me stuck in this dysfunctional marriage for 13 years. True narcissists do not even see a reason to change. Other people are the problem. They are just fine! Narcissists very rarely seek therapy; ironically, it is the people who live with them who almost always do. If you are married to one, I am sorry that I can't offer you a lot of hope. The day I finally grasped the fact that my ex-husband was incapable of meeting my needs and being an equal partner in our marriage was a very freeing day for me. I also wrote about that in my article, Holy Surrender: When Hope Was All I Had Left.

Of course, all types of people in our lives, not just spouses, can be narcissistic. It isn't always possible to remove ourselves from their presence. If that is the case with you, I highly recommend reading the book Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving With the Self-Absorbed or other similar books on the topic. The more that the 99 percent of people who are not narcissistic know about this disorder, the better we will be able to cope with the one percent of the population with this severe personality disorder.