Stonewalling: How Abusers Express Anger by Saying Nothing at All
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Hear What I'm Not Saying
By Lisa Kroulik © February 28, 2011
Picture for a moment two young children getting into an argument, with one of them stomping off and shouting, “I'm not talking to you!” and then ignoring the other child who just wants to make up and be friends again. Childhood squabbles being as common as they are, such self-imposed silences generally do not last more than a few minutes.
Now, imagine the above scenario again, only this time replace the children with a husband and wife who have been together for 15 years, with the husband playing the part of the angry child who walks away and won't communicate. I don't have to imagine it, because I lived it. I have no qualms about calling “The Silent Treatment” or “Stonewalling” for what it is: emotional abuse in its lowest form.
These synonymous terms refer to the actions of a person wishing to convey their displeasure with you by refusing to speak to or look at you, leaving the room when you enter it, or speaking to others in the room while ignoring you. In my case, my ex-husband could exhibit all of these behaviors for several consecutive days. More often than not, it didn't stop until I apologized for what I would perceive to be my shortcoming. He would never tell me what I had done “wrong.” If I asked, I only got ice cold silence and a glare in return. I would be sad and confused because I just wanted to communicate to resolve the problem. He, on the other hand, could hold out until he broke me, and that was exactly his goal.
The Stonewaller may not be saying anything, but his actions give a clear indication of the anger and aggressiveness he is feeling within. Rather than open communication between spouses to resolve differences, the Stonewaller has turned the situation into a power struggle. To him, it is all about winning. If he pouts and refuses to talk to his partner, she will eventually become exasperated and give in, saying whatever he wants to hear to make the standoff end. He has manipulated her, and he has won.
For the One Who is Being Ignored
The partner of a Stonewaller can also not survive long-term without serious repercussions to her own mental health. In my case, I struggled with severe depression as I knew things were terribly wrong in our marriage, but since nothing could ever be discussed, I assumed that I was the problem. I lived in constant fear of saying the wrong thing and being subject to days of the silent treatment as punishment. I was very serious and rarely smiled. It was his way or the highway, that is for sure.
However, not too many people could see through him or guess how we really lived. My ex-husband was not only a Stonewaller, but a Narcissist as well. Like all Narcissists, he could be charming, and would stop at nothing to project his public persona as all-around good guy. The majority of people in our lives believed it, including me, since I had not yet identified his narcissism and all its traits as the root of our problems. I perpetually berated myself for being unhappy and wondered what in the world was wrong with me. I mean, I was married to such a nice guy and he was so patient to put up with me.
My anxiety was not limited to waking hours. Panic attacks would grip me in the middle of the night, and I would wake up with a racing heart, gasping for air, sure that I was a few seconds from death. Besides the anxiety, the confusion that comes from living with an emotional abuser is the worst of all. In spite of the fact that my ex- husband never laid a hand on me in anger, the way I behaved around him was exactly the way I behaved around my physically abusive father. Psychological and physical abuse can create the same survival instincts to those in its path. I have written another article about the physical ramifications of living with an emotional abuser entitled When the Body Betrays the Mind. Please see the link at the end of this article.
Future of the Relationship
Marriages can not survive this type of emotional battery. Over time, it erodes intimacy, trust and happiness within the relationship. The Stonewaller must be willing to submit to intensive counseling to understand what drives this deep need to control and he must be committed to making changes in the way he communicates with his spouse.
This did not happen in my first marriage. The changes my ex-husband seemed to be making were superficial and only to appease me; on a deep level, he did not understand how his own behavior was destroying our relationship. After several rounds of therapy on both of our parts, nothing had really changed. He still employed the silent treatment tactic whenever he was upset with me. In the final months of our marriage, he didn't talk to me more than he did.
Something inside of me snapped during the last episode of stonewalling. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually spent, and could not last another day being treated like this. I did not have a partnership with my husband. What I had was an overgrown child who demanded being catered to and made my life a living hell when I didn't see things his way. It was a horrible example for our children, and that is what finally gave me the courage to leave.
If you are in a relationship with someone who uses the stonewalling strategy, know that it is emotional manipulation and it is not normal or healthy. Insist the person get help if he or she wants the relationship to continue. Only you can decided what you are capable of living with. Since we have two children together, seeking a divorce was the most wrenching decision of my life. However, it was also the best one.
I am happy to say that I am in a healthy marriage today and rarely have to deal with my ex-husband. When I do, he has continued the same behavior pattern when it comes to discussing our children. If I need to ask him a question or let him know about something with their schedule, I am forced to call him because he will not set up e-mail or texting. He also refuses to answer the majority of my calls and never gets back to me with what I have asked. I am left to assume his intentions. Sigh, some things never change.
What is Emotional Abuse?
No one broad definition covers all aspects of what constitutes emotional abuse, but generally speaking, the following types of behavior occur with regularity in the emotionally abusive relationship
- Attacks on personal character
- Blame and accusations
- Shame and judging
- Sarcasm and twisting what you say
- Rewriting history
- Playing the victim
- Manipulation, control and coercion
- Unpredictable explosions
- Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
- Swearing
- Intimidation
- Escalating situations or refusing to discuss a situation by not speaking at all
Source: Crosswalk.com
Relationship Abuse Articles by Lisa Kroulik:
- No, It's YOUR Fault! How Abusers Do Damage Control by Projecting it All on You
- Poor Me! How Emotional Abusers Play the Victim to Manipulate You
- Rewriting History, Playing Dumb and Other Crazy-Making Behavior of Emotional Abusers
- The False Self of the Narcissist: Two People in One
- Why Don't They Just Leave? Understanding the Cycle of Abuse That Keeps Women Stuck
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Thanks. I'm quite passionate about bring awareness to emotional forms of abuse. They are just as real as physical forms. I hope things get better for you.
Often times these "stonewallers" think they are stellar husbands because they don't physically abuse their wife or partner.......
Diane: Piousness, thy name is Johnson.
Wow. This is a fabulous hub that hit home for me. I was the stonewaller, however. I've never been comfortable relating to people when I've disagreed with them. Rather than openly communicate with them, I would withdraw and become the "Ice Queen". I did not have any idea how to disagree without hiding.
I hope I have overcome this handicap-I try to have people around me who understand this tendency in me. They call me on it and I am forever grateful for their assistance.
I have no idea how this began, but after 54 years, I'm pretty sure I know how to escape it!!
Thanks for a great hub.
lorlie6, Congratulations for taking action. No one is perfect, we all have things we could work on. You are to be commended for both taking responsibility AND asking for accountability. This is something that never happened with my ex. He always had a reason for his silent treatments; most of the time his reasons were somehow my fault. Hmm, blame-shifting. Gives me an idea for another hub.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Much appreciated.
Beautiful hub, Lisa. Thanks for this well written and insightful article. Welcome to hubpages.
Thank you, Denise. I just love it here.
Wonderfully written, very detailed hub. I can also relate to some of what you wrote in it. Isn't the stonewalling behavior what we inherit from our parents, meaning we copy what we see as children in our parents?
It can be. I don't know for sure if my ex grew up with this behavior modeled to him. Our two kids were 12 and 9 when I divorced him and now (2 1/2 years later) I do see some of that in our youngest at times. I don't tolerate it for one second though. I tell her that if she is angry with someone she needs to tell them why and not leave them to guess.
GREAT NEWS! This Hub was nominated as a "Hub Nugget" for the week of March 18. Please vote for it, up to once per day, through March 23. Thanks!
This is certaily no way for any of you to live.I am glady you got out--
Well done! Beautifully written and incredibly educational. I pray that all is well with your current marriage and that both of you agree that active communication is so much more productive and KIND than angry silence, even when the communication may be largely disagreeable. Eventually, each soul settles to a point where the other can be heard and understood - which leads to reconciliation. Thank you for this!
@Mom, Thank you!
@Motown, Thank you also. I hope that his has been an educational article. It was a nightmare to live through, but I didn't realize that until I was out and had permission to have feelings. My current marriage is a dream come true. He is a kind and gentle soul. We've never ever had a disagreement in 18 months together.
Difficult to explain, but I lived in a very similar relationship - it was not a romantic one, but it was a very powerful one, nonetheless. I totally get the "until I was out and had permission to have feelings" thing. God bless you for having survived it, and for thriving now and sharing the story.
:)
Congratulations on having the courage to write this hub and writing it very well indeed. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I had no idea when I wrote this Hub that it would strike a nerve with so many people!
Rarely do we recognize the strength of our own very "ordinary" lives, nybride. That's the lesson the writer should learn very early, in my opinion. What's ordinary for us might be extraordinarily powerful for someone else. And, everyone has a story. If you can, share it. Someone will be touched, and all those nerves you strike will resonate like piano strings to create a very powerful and beautiful chord!
That has always been my belief, too! Thanks for all of your awesome feedback. Please vote for this hub in the Hub Nuggets contest for this week. It was nominated!
I resonate with your hub and I honor you for sharing your truth so others may know and be helped too. Truly a Hubnuggets to vote for! Awesome!
If anyone wants to vote for the Hubnuggets, click this way: http://hubpages.com/_hubnuggets6/hub/Shadiws-if-th
Congratulations with your nomination. I wish you the best of luck!
I have both given and received the silent treatment. It is never very pleasant and you can cut the air with a knife. It is good to be aware of what triggers it and also how to overcome it. Congrats on your nomination.
Congrats on your nomination, nybride and welcome to HubPages. I worked with someone who used the silent treatment with me when I set limits with her on her histrionic behaviors, and let her know I wasn't interested in her crisis du jour. I can't imagine putting up with that kind of behavior from a spouse. I'm glad you didn't any longer!
kimh039 -The workplace can bring out some interesting personality disorders as well. Having lived through it with my ex, I recognize it easier in others and don't buy into their games either.
elayne001- I've heard other people say they would rather be hit and get it over with than days or weeks of the silent treatment. I don't know if I'd go that far, but the tension was enough to make me physically ill.
Life is so much better now!
Great hub and very well written! I had a similar relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder (which is very similar to narcissistic personality disorder). It's enough to make a person crazy literally. For those who are or have been in a similar relationship, a wonderful support group is bpdfamily.com
Best wishes in your path of recovery!
Theresa, very true that it is enough to make you crazy. Then the abusive persons points and says SEE, you're the crazy one! So glad to be out!
I relate to this hub also as I have been a victim of various types of abuse. Obviously I am sure you have the least amount of contact with him as possible. You wrote an excellent hub explaining the situation very well. I am glad you are happily married to someone else today.
Congrats on your nomination. Voted up!
Pamela - Yep, the the minimum of contact, limited to kids school events and school changes. Being with someone who treats me so well just highlights the insanity I lived with!
I recognize some of that behavior in my husband. I found many years into our marriage that his Mom sometimes would completely freeze out his Dad, and not speak for weeks at a time. She also had all kinds of phobias. He seems to have come a long way, and since I'm chatty, he does come around quickly. It was brave of you to write and best wishes on the contest.
The behavior can be worked with if the person is willing, that's the good news. Also, thanks for your well wishes, this Hub did win!
It is absolutely a very well written story of a well...all too common struggle a lot of people face in romantic and other types of relationships. I believe the initiative to be silent and/or ignoring is with those who either try to control a partner or feel deeply offended themselves and not being able to control anything.
While it hard but still possible to leave such a relationship things are more complex when people are not friends or partners but relatives - parents, siblings, members of extended family, etc.
For obvious reasons, you can not find a brand new relative to build a new relationship as in case of marriage or friendship or business.
A possible solution would be to somehow ignore the ignorer... the ignorer then may be coming to you asking what was wrong. Now, that's a whole new story... :)
It happened to me at my workplace. My boss broke our team apart and put one of my staff in charge. Another buddied up with him and they tried to stop my programs from working. Yet another of my staff told me he hated all the "office politics," which verified to me that the scheming behind my back wasn't my imagination.
I had seen something coming when I wouldn't fire someone unjustly. My boss fired him instead and demoted me. I felt betrayed. So I shut people out, stonewalled with all the silent, furious force I could muster . . . for weeks. I didn't snap at people or accuse anyone unjustly, but I didn't kiss anyone's butt either. I just wanted to get the d*** period over with and figure out whether to leave or stay.
I decided to stay, and ended up with a job and a boss that were better. The others were proven wrong and had to live through the results of it. My anger is gone now, but I'm still careful about who to trust.
I want to tell you this: Stonewalling is not fun, nor is it fun to be on the receiving end of it, but it also doesn't come from nowhere.
In my ex's case, the issues he didn't want to talk about were things like irresponsible spending, his porn addiction, etc. Things he knew he was wrong about and thought by treating me this way I would back off. Nothing of consequence could be discussed, ever. I was able to divorce him, but it took 15 years of realizing this behavior would never change. If it were another family member or co-worker, I wouldn't buy into their attempts to control either, but it would take a whole other set of skills since I wouldn't be able to leave.
Very helpful hub. You covered alot of ground with this subject. thanx for sharing your personal story. All the best to you.
NYBride, I voted your hub up -- very well written from a first person perspective. I'm a former social worker (CPS) and had some exposure to mental health professionals in working with my families.
I also lived with a Stonewaller (we're also divorced now). Our kids are now grown, so contact is thankfully minimal. The pattern is that I'll send a text, leave a voice mail or send an email. Days pass. Maybe I'll get a response, maybe I won't. Depends on his mood. Oh, well. His present girlfriend can deal with it and boy, do I feel for her!
If your children are still under the age of 18, call your ex-husband's bluff. File a motion with the judge who signed your divorce papers and let him/her know that, when you try to communicate with your ex on visitation or child support, you often get no response. Tell him/her that, what you need to find out or make decisions on is "stonewalled" by your ex so you end up making a decision, which, of course, is always wrong. Let the judge know you can't do this, especially if your ex has to be part of the decision, and that you need court approval to, literally, call your ex's bluff. I'll bet the judge hauls his sorry @$$ into court and upbraids him from one end of town to the other, telling him to communicate with you . . . or no visits.
I had to do something similar. Got his attention, that is for sure!
It is absolutely amazing that I came across this wonderful Hub today...Last night, my boyfriend told me that no one wants me except him and then got mad at me and stonewalled me for becoming upset. I cried in the shower and when I got out, I asked him why he had said such a terrible thing to me. He still has yet to answer any of my questions...Thank you, nybride710 for opening my eyes to the fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm glad you found your way out and met someone who can equal your worth ;) Beautiful Hub!
Love & Light,
Windy Grace
What an eye-opening hub...I had no idea there were so many people like that out there.
I spent the first 30 years of my life kowtowing to my own mother who was always giving me the "silent treatment" when she didn't approve of something I did...it took my new-at-the-time husband to help me realize that I was allowing her to do this to me, letting her get away with it, and making myself miserable at the same time.
Once I quit letting her have that control over me, we had a much more equal relationship--she knew I would speak up to her after that, so, while she might still disapprove of something, she knows better than to pull that non-speaking treatment on me anymore, because I call her on it!
Thanks for a great hub, and for helping me to see that I really wasn't alone in dealing with this type of personality... :)
14 years married, 5 years divorced and he is still my business partner... I'm still learning to deal with it. My children 16, 18 and 28 suffer from his silent abuse as well. It is very painful. My 16 year old has decided to shut him out of her life completely (of course this is my fault in his eyes). It's just another day! I try to keep smiling and think of all the good and wonderful things in my life - that's what keeps me going. Another helpful thing I do and tell my kids is that I feel sorry for him - he can't help himself and how much he loses out on because of his behavior.
mmmmm.Its all one sided. I have always enjoyed stone walling its made my garden one of the nicest around these parts.
When I was a child my mother used to give me the silent treatment when I failed to meet her expectations. I remember one session lasting about 3 weeks!
Years later, after my mother had passed, my father could sit behind a fully unfurled newspaper and show no sign of hearing 15 minutes of my passionate teenage chatter while I tried to involve him in my adolescent life.
I know "stonewalling".
The result has been my determined decision to not be ignored. When I have something that needs to be expressed I say it so there is no doubt I was heard. My wife can attest that the silent treatment doesn't work on me any more, though the chances are she'd prefer I used it on her once in a while just to give her some peace!
Communication is vital to every relationship. Deprivation is abuse.
CP
Well, it's preferable to being strangled and beaten or having him put a gun in your face. But, it is also abuse.
Thank you everyone for your comments! They've been hard to keep up with since winning th Hub Nugget. Darn work gets in the way of what I really want to do. I read every one and so appreciate your stories. We really are not alone in this.
Chris, your comment about being determined to be heard -- think that's why we are writers?
After 4 years, I finally escaped a narcissist that I wish had been a stonewaller. Instead - at home, of course - I was constantly subjected to varying degrees of verbal abuse. In public, he was Mr. Charming, beloved by bosses, co-workers, and anyone else he came in contact with.
Problem being, you meet closet narcissists when they're in Mr. Charming mode, and theyll remain so until they've reeled you in and you've married or moved in together. Only then will you be allowed to see their true nature. Such men should have "Run!! Now!!" tattooed where a prospective girlfriend couldn't possibly miss it the minute they meet.
Maybe I should talk him into getting that tattoo...Thanx for the idea, JamaGenee!!! :)
Finally, some time to respond.
Vampgyrol420, I'm so sorry. I know it hurts, especially when you are just figuring things out. My advise would be: Trust your gut instincts and do lots of research.
JamaGeene: I'm glad you got out after 4 years, It took me 16. The verbal abuse didn't really come until after we split, then there were the gems of "you have a black heart" and "you drove me to porn and crossdressing." Ex was a narcy as well. They really should come with tattoos! He got another woman in his trap almost immediately. I see the way she admires him (at our kids school events) and it makes me ill. I feel really, really bad for her but have learned the hard way to keep my mouth shut. People have to learn on their own.
AngelaKaelin- Thanks for the validation. It certainly is.
CP - Thanks for the insightful comments and your experience. I can't imagine doing that to my child. 3 weeks? (I think one week was ex's top) Good for you for insisting to be heard now. Everyone deserves that right.
glyn - I'm not really sure what you mean. That the article is one-sided? I'm writing my experience from my point of view, so I don't see how it couldn't be. You could ask me ex, if you could get him to talk to you. I hope that you were kidding and don't really use this behavior on people in your life.
magelle - Oh my word, still your business partner? That can not be easy. My kids have a halfway decent relationship with him. I figure because I got out when they were young enough. And I agree about missing so much of life because they are busy trying to control it.
TamCor - I just can't imagine doing this to your child. Parents must not stop to think that they are teaching their kids to do the same thing. Good for you for finding the strength to change your relationship with your mom.
crochet48 - The stuff isn't of huge consequence - stuff like letting him know if the kids have other plans on his days, inviting him to their school events (which I now let them do) I would just like to be treated with respect but realize I never will be. I am glad to hear that the legal system doesn't but up with this kind of stonewalling nonsense. And I loved when you said "depends on what kind of mood he's in." I still get that. On the rare occasions we have to speak, one time he is all fakey nice and agreeable, next time I might see him at a school event he will glare daggers through me. SO, so happy I don't have to live with that anymore.
pearlmacb - Thanks so much!
Thank you, nybride710 :) Wishing you the best...
Love & Light,
Windy Grace
In addition to "Stay away!" tattoos, a registry similar to the ones already in place for sex offenders and child molesters would be most helpful.
Congratulations, Lisa, on your win! Great start to your writing experience here.
I would recommend The Power of Now or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Particularly with regard to "stonewalling," I remember that Tolle talks about how ducks will fight over a piece of the pond, flap their wings to release the negative energy, then carry on as if nothing happened. Humans haven't caught up with ducks yet.
LOL, no we haven't. I liked the part about flapping away as if nothing had happened.
I truly empathize with what you went through being "stonewalled" and "victimized". "Invalidator" is another term I have seen somewhere describing such behavior. It is basically deriving pleasure in putting down or victimizing the other person.
Eckhart Tolle's words provide a wider perspective to see such childish behavior. Meditation can provide inner strength to face up to such deceptive and outright degrading treatment. Not allowing negative thinking and low self esteem to control our behavior is very important, though difficult, in handling such unfortunate people.
I am glad you are through with this non-sense. This hub should be read by all going through some form of emotional manipulation.
Thank you Goodpal. As I said earlier, this hub has really struck a nerve with a lot of people and they can identify with it. That just validates what we went through all the more.
You've taken a better action to get rid of your abuser!
Thats great.
I love this Hub.
Thank you for the 2,000 views of this Hub! I am so glad it's been helpful for people in emotionally abusive relationships. I have several other articles on these types of relationships and also welcome suggestions for topics you'd like to see.
Excellent Hub! Thank you.
Glad you enjoyed it and hope it was helpful.
Very useful hub. I am glad that I am not in this situation and am glad you escaped to happiness.
ME TOO!
Lisa another great hub. I can relate to this, my husband ignores me when I try to talk to him about something important sometimes. I have come to realize that this is way of trying to get "back at me" and it's exasperating. I look forward to reading more of your hubs. They are very helpful. Thank-you.
Dorsi, sorry I just saw your comment. I'm glad this hub was eye-opening for you, and I hope your husband learns a different way to communicate. Because believe me when I say that saying nothing is saying plenty.
I am so glad I stumbled onto this site. I literally just typed : ex husband refuses to communicate with me and this was one of the first sites that came up. I ended a 13 year marriage/17 year relationship to a man who was emotionally and physically abusive. His physical abuse wasn't often but enough to make me finally leave. However I endured emotional abuse everyday. For years I had no idea what he was doing. All I knew is that I always felt horrible about myself, ate too much and even took anti-depressants at one point because I was so miserable. He was good at stonewalling and blaming me for everything. He also was extremely critical and would attack my character all the time but assert that he was only trying to be honest with me in an effort to improve our communication. But last fall I finally had enough (he was a cheater too) and I walked away.
It was not easy and I am still in the divorce process. He doesnt respond to any of my emails about our son's educational expenses and I have to speak to his mother in order to get info on to him. It's crazy but I now know that he has serious issues. I'm getting therapy to deal with everything I have been through and for the sake of our son and his relationship with him, I hope one day he sees a therapist too. But it is good to know about this site and that I am not alone, that other people have experienced this kind of abuse too. It's not our fault. THANK YOU
I am amazed at how common this problem is. This hub remains my most popular one more than a year after I wrote it. It is going on four years since my divorce, and things have only gotten worse. He refuses to communicate with me AT ALL in anything to do with the kids. I sure wish I could go back in time and choose my second husband first and that he was their dad. Because of the kids, I'm never truly away from it, but it is not an every day misery like before. You described that very well.
I'm going through this right now. Anytime I want to discuss how he never takes me anywhere or want to do anything as a couple he gets irate. Hell call everyone else and has even befriended some of my guy friends. He left when I was bartending and didn't say bye or hed be back. Just disappeared somewhere for almost an hour. He was upset when I asked him why did he go and not say anything. I'm really confused and he hasn't answered my calls in a day. He's always broke but has money for going out with his friend. Am I crazy?
I don't think you are crazy, but you can feel that way when you're around this kind of behavior long enough. I guess I feel that if someone if going to be mad at you, they at least owe you the consideration of telling you why.
I knowHe sent me a cryptictext after I called him several times that he doesn't want to argue anymore. That he would call me later. I texted back it was wrong to ignore my calls like that. This fight we had stemmed from the fact that we never go out and I feel he has been rude to me. So four days of ignoring for that? We've been together for almost eight months.
Reverse the role and you have my wife...
Don't get it...sensitive husband, wanting a connection and I get ICE...
Ladies...the hammer swings both ways...completely opposite of how I was raised.
Treat a woman with respect...both parties have responsibilities and roles in the relationship and compromise with compassion will always lead you in the right direction.
Don't go to bed mad and always say I Love You...it may be your last chance...
Throw that all away and add vulgar language, vicious feminism and the entitlement BS and you now have my once lovely bride.
I don't know what to do...I am disappearing with each day in her cloud of narcissism and our family's suffering while we try to deal with it.
No excuse for the husbands or the wives out there.
Sorry it's so prevalent...
You're absolutely right, Nathan, it does go both ways. I'm sorry that you are suffering. You mention narcissism. I would suggest studying it in-depth. That's what finally gave me the insight to see what I was once married to.
Oh yea, silence is DEADLY. Bluck, the worse abuse to me, I would have rather been hit than ignored! Now, like you, I have a relationship worth living. Thank you so much for all the wonderful writing you do. I am learning so much about myself and the writing world from you, SWEET!
Thanks, Ruby. I won't put up with silence or passive aggressiveness from anyone anymore now that I understand it. I, too, would much rather duke it out than endure the silent treatment.
This is good information. Silence is a little known tactic to gain/maintain power.
Fortunately or unfortunately, refusing to talk is entirely normal in my family. My earliest childhood memories involve my parents shouting but as I grew up they stopped talking to each other at all (except through me). I think it developed as a coping strategy. Now I do the same thing; whenever I find myself getting agitated in a conversation I stop talking entirely and walk away. When I come back, my parents and I can start another perfectly amiable conversation on another topic as though the previous one had never happened. Eventually (after a few days) we can go back to the first topic without arguing again. I don't think "our" stonewalling is negative at all, actually; without it tempers tend to rise to the point where people get hurt and things get broken. I don't do it out of spite and I don't do it to anyone else, but it does seem quite necessary with my parents (the three of us are all quick to anger and quick to cool off).
That's an interesting perspective. My ex-husband and I no longer talk at all, even about the kids. That is not my choice, though, he refuses to take calls, letters, get an email or set up texting. If I need to get a message to him, I have no choice but to relay it through the kids.
The thing is, I personally have found that the best way to shut down a verbal bully is to avoid contact with them in this manner. I have found this out purely by accident, because I am by nature an introvert and not wonderful at defending myself from such attacks. Withdrawal is my only defense.
What has sometimes happened is that other victims of such verbal abusers have observed how effective it is to avoid contact altogether with the abuser and emulated it, thus isolating the bully, which they usually cannot stand because they seek attention. Then, I get accused of bullying them--the irony. :)
I guess my point is that not everyone who gives the silent treatment does it to wound someone or is a narcissist; sometimes, it is to get the person to reflect about how, if they wish to keep people close to them, that they ought not to hurl insults or otherwise denigrate them. Contact with others is a gift, not an entitlement. And, generally, people who rage at others usually are quite aware of what they said and simply don't feel as if they need to apologize (you "deserved" their wrath).
I venture this just to give a different perspective on the issue. This does not excuse those who take offense to someone's behavior (some person who might not have actually done anything at all to the other person) and seek to punish their loved one by seeking out their vulnerabilities and exploiting them. (I have actually felt relieved when such a person tried the silent treatment on me...I wanted them to leave me alone. So people in my life with such tendencies don't try the silent treatment on me.) To sum up, there are times when withdrawing from someone is a coping mechanism to prevent one's self from being destroyed by them.
Okay. This is just my experience with it. It was quite painful to be ignored for days or weeks at a time when all I wanted to do was try to resolve an issue.
Unfortunately, it was meant to be painful. Your abuser had studied you carefully and figured out exactly how to inflict the greatest wounds. I am so sorry that you suffered like that. That is part of his disorder, making you fruitlessly "chase" him to try to resolve things. (Someone like that adjusts his abuses to best tear down the victim. He'd pick a different tactic for a victim with a different temperament.)
It's just that, when you mentioned seeing the same behavior in one of your children, I was moved to offer a different "take" on the issue. I'm glad that you're helping your child feel safe enough to tell you what has caused her to withdraw and prevent her from needlessly hurting others.
Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. :)
Sure. It's been over a year since I wrote this article. I will have to go back and read it since I don't remember discussing my kids in it. I am just amazed at how prevalent this problem is.
I chanced upon this page when I was looking for something else, and I read your compelling story. I'm sorry about the way you suffered from this atrocious man. I'm glad that you found the strength to leave him and are in a better relationship now.
I had an abusive boss like that, definitely a narcissist. I was shocked when his meek wife once confided in me that he often gave her the silent treatment over something trivial. One time, I'd created a poster for the company, and he had her take the design to the printer. He was so angry that she chose blue ink that he wouldn't speak to her for weeks. The design was yellow flowers and the blue ink was a perfect contrast. I would have chosen it too. I realize now that she must have suffered great abuse from him.
I suffered abuse from him too. I was subject to his silent treatment, verbal attacks, and always, to his manipulation. He never kept a promise to me, and he made some big ones.
I can't even imagine what his wife must have gone through--still goes through--with him.
Now that is truly insane!
barbergirl28 Level 8 Commenter 15 months ago
Great hub... it seems all to familiar. Only for me, my husband doesn't stonewall... he just uses the word "whatever" alot to get me to stop talking. I guess in a away it is a form of stonewalling.
Vote up... very useful information!