What Makes a Good Mother? Calling a Truce on the Mommy Wars

By Lisa Kroulik © September 8, 2011

I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am that my daughters are 12 and 15 years old. If I was a new mother today, I think I would have a nervous breakdown. If you have given birth in the past year, I urge you to stay away from 99 percent of the parenting forums online today. You may have been unsure of yourself before you went to an online forum; afterwards, you may be downright schizophrenic.

In spite of the fact that I have been a parent for a decade and a half and am pretty darn proud of the result, I would have been put before the mommy firing squad by today’s standards. I didn’t breastfeed. I used disposable diapers. I pushed my babies in a stroller. I had never heard of a baby sling. I didn’t make organic baby food. I vaccinated on schedule. They slept in their own rooms after the first few weeks. Occasionally, when I couldn’t think of a single thing else to do to comfort one of my babies, I let her cry for a few minutes. I gave birth in a hospital and had an epidural without giving it a second thought.

None of this is acceptable today. In the past decade, thanks in large part to the work of Dr. William Sears, author of several books on attachment parenting, the trend in parenting is toward more intense mothering or a “natural” approach to childrearing. I would most likely be labeled a detached and unnatural mother if I had an infant today.

Is this really necessary? Does our philosophy of infant care have such far-reaching effects on how our kids “turn out” that it has unleashed an epidemic of Mommy Wars? Is love really not enough? In her article entitled Choosing mothering vs. mothering choices, Dr. Amy Tuteur explains:

“I believe that good mothering is about choosing mothering and not about mothering choices. What does choosing mothering mean? It means actively embracing the role of caretaker, confidante, educator and moral guide that mothering entails. It means worrying, planning, consulting, advising and ultimately letting go….

…. It is NOT about specific mothering choices. Breast or bottle? That's the mother's choice and nobody else's business. Natural childbirth? Irrelevant. Baby wearing? It depends on the baby and on the mother. Extended breastfeeding? Meaningless in the long run.

How do we know a woman is a good mother? We know because she cares; she cares about her children and cares about the impact that she is having on those children. To love a child is to choose mothering. In contrast, specific mothering choices have nothing to do with love, because there is not only one way to express love.”

Even though I think she is a little harsh, I absolutely love this article. I wish everyone who is so certain that their own parenting choices are right and everyone else’s are misinformed at best, abusive at worst, would read this. We mothers have enough to worry about without blasting someone else’s choice to work outside the home or give her baby a bottle.

As a mother who is just three years away from launching my first child into the world, I will admit to being a bit smug. Both of my daughters are amazing people, according to what I hear from family, friends, teachers, peers and people at church. I look at my 15-year-old and know I didn’t scar her for life because our breastfeeding experience lasted all of two days. She is a kind, compassionate, intelligent, loving and healthy person who is going to make a real difference in this world. My 12-year-old is as well, but I haven’t had as many years to see her develop into the adult self she will eventually become.

Smugness isn’t really the right response, I will admit that. I can’t take a lot of credit for who my daughters choose to be. I have provided them with love and encouragement over the years, but I have been far from perfect and never wanted to be. Ultimately, I do need to let them go and when that day comes, I will know that what I gave them came from my heart, not what anyone else thought was right.

Moms, let’s stop the war and agree to disagree on the small stuff. If we all agree that raising a child who feels loved and secure enough to go out into the world with confidence is our primary goal, then I don’t think anyone can be wrong.