The Simple Joy of Having Something in Common with Your Spouse

By Lisa Kroulik © November 25, 2011

My husband, two daughters and I spent a lovely afternoon this day after Thanksgiving walking around some historic sites in Minneapolis taking pictures. While that might not excite everyone, it is something that both Darrell and I enjoy and the kids don’t mind joining in on once in a while. Photography is just one of the interests that my husband and I enjoy doing together. We also like traveling, playing on the computer, watching football, watching hockey and being involved in our church.

However, we’re not joined at the hip. He loves hunting, while blaze orange does nothing for my complexion. I love writing, but Darrell sticks to composing the occasional email or text message. Yet, because we do share several common interests, it has deepened our bond and helped us to appreciate the joy of companionship even more.

This is so different from how it was in my first marriage. My ex-husband and I, though we were together for 16 years, had very few hobbies in common. He had some, like woodworking, art and reading, and I had some, like writing and the things I now do with my second husband. The difference was that most of his activities were solitary, so he assumed that I preferred mine to be as well. That just wasn’t true, and the result was a crushing loneliness that came from doing almost everything alone.

Among other serious issues we had, I believe the lack of having anything we really enjoyed doing together eventually drove our relationship to the point of no return. And just so you know, it wasn’t for my lack of trying. I begged him to be involved in more activities with our daughters and me, and he did try. It’s just that when someone’s heart isn’t in it, you can’t force them to enjoy themselves and you end up feeling patronized.

Darrell and I met on a dating website just over two years ago, so we have a bit of an advantage in this whole area of having common interests. We’re both in our 40s and have had enough life experience to know the activities that truly bring us pleasure. We also had the opportunity to indicate our interests to each other before we ever met in person. Our first two dates involved walking around city parks and taking pictures. One was near my house and one was near his. The only thing that has really changed in the past two years is that we now live in the same house.

If you would like to have more activities in common with your spouse, you need to make it a priority. Before you go out and do something, take an hour or so to sit down and talk to each other about your interests. Agree ahead of time to keep an open mind and that there will be no putting down the other’s interests. Once you have each listed five or so things that you like to do, choose one to do together, even if you think you will hate it. There is no way of knowing if something that you assumed was a solo activity might actually turn out to be the perfect activity for couples if either of you refuse to try it. Also, if you have young children, making your relationship a priority means be willing to find childcare sometimes.

Don’t despair if neither one of you has very many interests or the other spouse seems completely uninterested in the few you do have. If you have children, a job and other responsibilities, you may have not had time to nurture your interests for years. In this case, the two of you should agree to try something new together that one or both of you has always been interested in but haven’t had the time. You don’t have to find your combined interest the first time out, or even the fifth. The important thing is to adopt an attitude of willingness until you do find an activity that you both enjoy and look forward to doing again.

If you’re not used to even thinking of leisure activities to do with your spouse, consider one of the dozen or so suggestions from the link listed below. I wish you the best and speak from experience when I say it will go a long way toward nurturing your relationship, so long as both of you remain committed to doing so.