Poor Me! How Emotional Abusers Play the Victim to Manipulate You
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By Lisa Kroulik © July 9, 2011
In the nearly three years that I have been free of my emotionally abusive ex-husband, I have come to learn a lot about the tools that emotional abusers use to control others. I have written Hubs about two of these tactics already, including the silent treatment and blame shifting. In this Hub, I am going to explore how these types of people can get you and others to believe that you have deeply wounded them in an attempt to take the focus off their own behavior.
My Best Example
For 13 years, I lived in such denial of reality that I could not see my ex’s manipulative behavior even when friends pointed it out to me in specific detail. When the fog began lifting and I had finally had enough, I filed for divorce. My ex used this opportunity to get people at our church to feel sorry for him, even though some were aware that his sexual addictions and passive-aggressive behavior were the main causes of strain in our marriage.
Someone had heard that we were getting a divorce, and asked him what was going on. With the most contrived wounded appearance he could drum up and just the right amount of tears brimming the corner of his eyes, he told her we were splitting up because “she just won’t forgive me”. What he failed to mention was that I had caught him trolling the Internet looking for dates on a very sexually explicit website. The concerned church member cornered me and let me have it for hurting my husband so much. I laughed and let her know that she had just seen the acting of a brilliant narcissist and had fallen for it hook, line and sinker.
The Motive Behind Their Ploy for Sympathy
If I could sum up the whole reason behind why people engage in this kind of behavior, it would be with two words: image management. Those who play the victim are not usually emotionally in tune with themselves enough to know the offense and hurt they cause others and tend to see themselves as quite wonderful people instead.
Since they are unable to tolerate any hint to the contrary, they quickly turn the tables and find a way to elicit sympathy from others. They are predators who know that most people are pained to see others suffer, so they throw a pity party until the other person relents and says that yes, maybe they are the problem after all. It is one tool in a large repertoire of avoidance techniques.
They Look to Exploit Your Vulnerabilities
In order to get their own needs met, emotionally abusive people tend to latch onto others who are especially vulnerable and have the need to take care of others to feel like a worthy person. They have a deep need to control others, so they will pick someone who is the most likely to go along with it. In an intimate relationship, these people play the victim to get the other person to feel like they are to blame for the abuser’s unhappiness. My ex, for example, would frequently ask me “why are you doing this to me?” when I tried to put forth expectations of change so our marriage would survive. It had the desired effect of getting me to back off and feel guilty for even suggesting that he needed to change. It also caused me to look internally and surmise that I must be the one with the problem. That is exactly how he wanted it.
How to Know When You Are Being Manipulated
It can be very difficult to realize when you are being taken advantage of, especially when it is by someone you know well and love. This may be the way you have always interacted, so it can be hard to suddenly call it wrong. The thing about living in close proximity with an emotional abuser is that your mind can become clouded and your thinking distorted. If the same scenarios seem to continuously resurface, someone who is not as close to the situation may be able to help you sort things out. That could be a counselor, a good friend or a good book about emotional manipulation.
If you catch someone in the act of trying to be a victim, call them on it. I recall waking up to a note one morning from my ex that said “I do nothing but hurt you (and our daughters) and would be better off hanging myself in the garage”. Now, I am not suggesting that all threats of suicide are only ploys to emotionally manipulate, but I knew that his was and I told him to knock it off. The note happened to come after a particularly rough exchange the night before in which I had let out all of the hurt I had kept to myself for years. His sympathy was not for me, but for himself, and his response was to threaten suicide to get me to feel sorry for him and never express a negative emotion again.
With some perspective and a chance to clear your mind, it is usually easy to see right through the tactics the emotionally abusive person uses. If someone is trying to play the victim with you, remind yourself that you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. It is healthy to emotionally detach and let that person know that they alone control their own fate. Stop the abuser in his tracks by letting him know you see what is going on and you will not tolerate it. This may sound like a terrifying proposition after putting up with it for so many years, but I assure you that it is very liberating and a necessary step in breaking free from an abuser and getting your life back.
What is Emotional Abuse
No one broad definition covers all aspects of what constitutes emotional abuse, but generally speaking, the following types of behavior occur with regularity in the emotionally abusive relationship
- Attacks on personal character
- Blame and accusations
- Shame and judging
- Sarcasm and twisting what you say
- Rewriting history
- Playing the victim
- Manipulation, control and coercion
- Unpredictable explosions
- Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
- Swearing
- Intimidation
- Escalating situations or refusing to discuss a situation by not speaking at all
Source: Crosswalk.com
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Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Gu...
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Relationship Abuse Articles by Lisa Kroulik:
- My Marriage is Over, Is it Normal to Feel Like a Tossed Salad?
- No, It's YOUR Fault! How Abusers Do Damage Control by Projecting it All on You
- Rewriting History, Playing Dumb and Other Crazy-Making Behavior of Emotional Abusers
- Stonewalling: How Abusers Express Anger by Saying Nothing at All
- The False Self of the Narcissist: Two People in One
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It definitely comes in all types of relationships. I write about emotional abuse in marriage because that's what I know, so it is always very interesting to see this from different perspectives.
This is useful advice in recognizing emotional abusers. Voting this Up and Useful.
Having personally experienced this recently I absolutely agree with this hub. It is almost as if they zap the energy right from us just by being in their presence. And although we care for them, they don't seem to understand nor grasp the emotional drain they cause.
They play the poor me victim. They use love against you. There is a part in this article in which you write:'in order to get their own needs met, emotionally abusive people tend to latch onto others who are especially vulnerable and have the need to take care of others to feel like a worthy person.'I agree with that totaly. And if you were to call them on their behavior;they would turn it around and make you the cause of it. Manipulative people know you care, so they use it to their advantage. They attack your character. They shame and judge you. They use criticism that is harsh and undeserved. Sometimes we see the manipulation they use but they manage to pull us into their emotional rollercoster and we end up feeling guilty and confused thus giving into their drama.
Emotions and guilt are a powerful tool and very profound. I agree they definelty rewrite history. They tend to use Emotional blackmail, control and coercion. We never suspect it till we begin to see patterns that don't make sense and end up leaving us filled with guilt in our heart.And they will always refuse to discuss the situation because in their eyes they don't believe they're doing wrong, almost as if they lack empathy.
I loved this article and well written. Having a neice who studies Psychology I tend to ask her many questions regarding personality disorders because I have always had interest in these types of topics relating to the behavior and mental processes so please forgive me for making this comment a little longer than usual.:)
I am definetly going to go read some of your other hubs! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. I'm glad it was helpful. The longer I have been away from this marriage (will be 3 years in November and I am happily remarried) the clearer I see the emotional abuse. I like sharing it with other people to help them be aware of the tactics I wished I realized were being used on me.
I completely relate to what you say. I usually have a strong instinct and sense when someone is lying and manipulating me but I just go along with it and cross my fingers that I never have to call them out on it. I always wish they'd come to realize what they're doing on their own. They lie so much that they actually start believing in their own fabricated stories and we start to question our own sanity when in fact it's the manipulation that's being played on us that lets us doubt. It is a twisted form of control! And always be aware, that if they seem to repeat and imitate our action our words and copy everything we do and then repeat it back to us as if they're the ones who are telling us, that's a red flag. Twisting of words!
I think they do it because of their own self hate and internal issues and not because of anything their partner does. And I think no amount of work or attempting to please will stop them. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In either case, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves.
It's a great hub and agree with you totally. I'm glad you got away from it. Thanks:)
Lisa,
Let me thank you from the bottom of my heart and my psyche for posting such wonderful articles that aren't full of psycho-babble. I'm still struggling with my anger and resentment of him and what he did to me, to us. I'm still struggling with my anger with myself for not recognizing and honestly, ignoring the signs right from the start. We have kids together and I need to be able to move beyond these hurt feelings. I have no choice but to parent with him, unless and until he starts this with the kids. At that point I will nail him to a wall! It's so hard to make people understand, it's difficult for people to believe what we went through when there was no (blatant) physical aspect to the abuse. I have read recently that being a co-dependant is also about control. But the articles stated so as if it's on the same level and for the same reasons as the emotional abuser. I want to set this idea straight. YES, we want control. Because it's ALL been TAKEN from us. We have NO control over ANYTHING, our time, our own emotions, our opinions, our likes and dislikes, or own sanity. NONE. So if we are acting in ways that are intended to gain control of our situation, It's ONLY natural. One has to have control of his or her self in order to survive. You're not going to get out of that hole by laying there waiting for someone else to do it! You've got to do something to help yourself. Even my lashing out at him lately both publically and privately is about taking back the control that was robbed of me. It is disrepectful of me. I agree. But why should he get away with all his disrepect? I know, I know, it would make me the better person. But what am I doing (posting angry about his behavior on a social network, posting articles about emotional abuse) that You, Lisa, are not? You're only doing it differently that I am, right? Am I not entitled to be angry? Do I not deserve to have my say after not having any right to it for so long?
I have found that as each memory of abusive behavior becomes clearer in my own mind, writing about it helps tremendously. My experience was denied for so many years that it feels good to say the way my ex treated me was wrong and I have a right to be angry about it. That doesn't mean I dwell on it, but I refuse to deny that my marriage was one of extreme emotional abuse. I enjoy helping others to see the issues more cleary from just relating first-hand experience. Thanks for the feedback.
Emotional abusers, there are plenty of them in this world. It is easy to like that is is just a matter of conscience.
Yes.....all of the above that you have said is true, but what you have failed to mention is, that at some point when these kind of individuals have reached their lowest low and all of the emotional abuse they once undeservingly distributed begins to fall back on them, it will return in ways they were not expecting. Regardless of their narcissist thinking, charming or dramatic ways, each action will get a deserving reaction they will no longer be able to deflect, reject or project on anyone but?!?!?! This is sad, but people choose to behave this way anyway........Good Hub voted up!
Wow Janga I just read your comment and you are on the money, the only thing I have to say in regards to that is, some of these people are brazen to the point you don't have to be in a relationship with them, you don't love them and have no interest outside of the "relationship" that stands, something simple as co workers or just being an employee. They will behave erratically, irresponsible and do and say some of the dumbest things possible, just to get over or just to have their way. Also they can be someone in a position that warrants you as a customer to trust them due to ethics because of their position or just their word. Most people are out of control and to be honest they don't even care. They don't understand or want to understand the reasons why until its too late and there is no turning back. At some point you're bound to reap what you sow and who wants to be miserable, irritable as well as feel like bad luck is destined to live on their back. But for whatever reason some people live to rebel and remain "unlucky". #Oh Well
To answer your question, not a Leo, his birthday is November 3. He does seem to be reaping natural consequences these days.
I have been a clinically-trained psychiatric social worker for 46 years, and have worked with emotional abuse victims for much of that time. I have only done counseling with female victim; however, I am sure there are female pedrators-male victims in marital relation-ships out there somewhere!
I would make one change in Lisa's list of characteristis
of an emotion abuse "victim" predator. In my experi-ence, I haven't ever come across a "victim" predator; instead, the emotional abuse spousal victims I have worked with are married to a TYRANT CONTROL FREAK (I'll use TCF to simplify thins predator. Their tactics are very much like the other characterics that Lisa mentions. One thing I notice about Lisa's sel-report was her personality as it relates to her ex's "victim" predator role. In several places, she mentions actions she took to de-fuse her husband's actions by saying
"Knock it off", and telling church members what REALLY was going on with him.
Tyrant predators WOULD NOT let the victim do this in the first place. By several of the most insidious behaviors they do, they get the victim firmly under their control. Soon after they get together, the Tyrant predator starts getting the victim under firm control by using two specific "techniques". First, they isolate the victim from other people: friends, their family, social activies and events (the Tyrant predator wouldn't let the victim out of their sight, and certainly wouldn'v be taking his spouse to church!! Secondly, the Tyrant predator starts using what I call "wrong think" by telling the victim what she thinks, what she thinks she knows, what she says, and way that she behaves are WRONG. He then feeds her RIGHT information by telling her how she REALLY should think, what she should know, what she says and how she behaves. This brain-washing makes under question her beliefs, her values, and confuses her thought processes. One of the first things these women have told me when they came in for counseling was that they felt like they were going "crazy". Much of the initial treatment focused on helping these women re-validate themselves, their self-image, and self-esteem.
Your comments have been helpful to me as I try to pull together the dynamics of the predator-victim relationship. I think the dynamics in the "victim" predator evolve around a woman who, although being bound up in a dysfunctional relataionship for a long time, has far greater freedom and are less controlled than in the Tyrant predator-victim relationship.
I look forward to reading some more of your comments.
Thank you, Lisa, for creating this Hub and telling your story.
Warmly and with empathy,
cdp0742
I should point out, I didn't get this kind of strength until years into our relationship when I counseled with a dear friend of mine who pointed out how manipulative he was. As I began standing up to him and calling a spade a spade, he had very little use for me anymore. My ex-husband was very passive, with image meaning everything to him. He would have never come right out and tried to limit my activities, etc. It was only by very subtle manipulation and I certainly did think I was going crazy by the time it was over.
thanks for raising awarness on this issue I thought this hub was a well done atrical very informative and intresting you kept my attion throughout the hub great work
Very nice written. Like the hub a lot.
Thanks. It's a subtle form of manipulation, and it takes some discernment to recognize it.
I have just come across your hub. Thank you so much for being so open and honest. I am in the middle of getting out of such a relationship. We have been married for 17 years and it started out with him being a Tyrant Control Freek. He worked nights and slept during the day but he never wanted me to leave during the time he slept but the baby was supposed to be quiet. Just one tiny snippet... we had many, many fights and he morphed into the emotional abusing person. He did all the same things as before just much more sneaky and it took me years and years to catch on. In all those years my girls were emotionally abused as well. There were three incidents where he physically abused the girls. After about 5 years I tried to leave, but he kept hanging on. I still can't really explain it, but everyone who has been in this kind of relationship might understand. For some odd reason I thought that I was just blowing things out of proportion and found all kinds of excuses for him and of course he has his good and nice sides as well. I really liked when you talked about being in a 'fog'. I so feel like that! It was like I was in a constant brian fog and couldn't think clearly and yes, I felt that I was going crazy! I am a bible believing christian and so it was really hard for me to draw the line. I always felt that if I would change, he would change. It worked - temporarily. One of the worst things he did was that he never decided anything! When I was pregnant with my second daughter, the tests suggested that she might have Down Syndrome and the doctors told me that we should decide what to do if the ammniocenthesis(sp?) came back positive. Guess what my husband said after talking about it? "I don't know, you decide, it's your body after all." Yeah, thanks a million. I decided that I would keep the child and she turned out to be fine. thank you God! But this was the common pattern in our marriage. He doesn't know and I decide and if it was wrong it is all my fault. Like it is my fault now that we are getting closer to a divorce, because I am ripping the family apart. He is trying to "get past' all of this. The mindgames seem to be endless... It is so good to hear from other - not that this happened to you - but just to find out that I am not going crazy, that there is a way out of the brain fog!
Thanks for sharing your experience. Living in that environment for so long can really take its toll. What has been the hardest for me is that my daughters, now ages 15 and 12, think their dad's behavior is normal and they even look up to him. Ugh. I am in a healthy second marriage and can only pray that they see the difference.
hi everyone i am here very new! and i need to share my story!
at the moment i am lost in my little dark world! and is scary right now!
my mother was diagnose with cancer on december just out of blue no one was suspect ...i was devastated. doctors give her no more than 5 week.
i was total nightmare wit arranging visa to visit my mother and take care of here for last moment! (we leave in different countries) but i try to keep strong and try to not keep bad mood in my family (it was hard)
me and my husband married for for 10 years no kids. i make big afford to celebrate x-mas and go to his company x-mas party (in same time i still have big problems with my self that i cant get help to my mother)
eventually i got my visa and fly to see my mother ...but my mother pass away the time i was in the flight! when i landed she was away and i never got chance to c her or hold her hand! this totally kill me and i was going crazy with my emotions!
i was away for month with my relatives, i keep in touch with my husband in every second day!
when i fly back to home i find out that he was in hospital (high blood pressure) NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT!!!!!
next day i find out that my husband having emotional after with married woman! (emails and text)
all happen when i was away ...he explain me that he was need someone the time i was away! coz i was not there to give him support!
when he find out that i know about affair he raise his hand on me! by telling me this all happen coz of me!
he blame me for this!
i call the other woman husband and told him about his wise emails and text!
and now my husband mad at me and call me NASTY person!
is he lost his mind!?
how he dont understand my world was upside down for last 2 month with mother illness! how man can keep his self in front of this situation and look for his selfish validations!?
he left me in most difficult times of my life! i need human support! and he in hotel thinking about us!!!!!
he still think he done nothing wrong!
update : he text me couple times and tell me that he very sick now! and doctors give him some more med!
i think he play with my emotions!
I've just come across this page!
Reading up on emotional abuse is all I seem to have been doing since I left my abusive husband. It has been a week since I left him. We were dating for 8 months before we decided to get married. I was with him for a year and a half, the last 9 months of which have been torture.
The constant put-downs, name calling, silent treatment whenever it suited him had all become too much. He had told me on numerous occasions that he wasn’t happy with me, how I wasn’t fulfilling my responsibilities towards him as a wife.
The sad thing is that he’s the only man I’ve ever loved, he was my first love. Now I realise that I was in love what I thought he WAS, not what he really IS. I feel so empty, not because I still love him but because I feel like I’ve been living a lie for the best part of a year. The harsh reality is that he never did love me and is incapable of love. He would often tell me that I didn’t know what love was, that I was too stupid and immature to handle the responsibility of being a wife. He would often mock my profession ( I’m a teacher), and often ordered me to quit my job, that my number 1 priority was him. I thank god that I kept my job, because I would have nothing to keep me going. Since telling my family and close friends, I realise that I never should have married him, the warning signs were there at the start, but I was just too blinded by love to notice. My paperwork at school was suffering because I was just too physically and emotionally drained every evening. I was tired in every way possible.
I’m very fortunate to have amazing family and friends and they are supporting me in my recovery. I haven’t heard from him since I left, which shows how much he cares. It’s hurtful to love somebody who doesn’t love you back, but as Alanis Morrisette once said: “you live, you learn”. My heart goes out to all those women who are stuck in such abusive relationships, no one deserves to be treated like crap. I’ve been back at my job this week after a week spent trying to get my head together. I just want normality back in my life, be the person I once was. I know it will take time, and I’ll feel more positive as time goes on, but I’m glad I made it out before the abuse turned physical. The next step is the divorce, I’m hoping it’s stress-free. Best wishes to you all
You are fortunate to realize after a relatively short time that he is incapable of love and move on. It took me 15 years to come to that hard realization with my ex. He was just such a good actor. He does show love to our children, but I think if either of them dared to disagree with or challenge him, that love would also prove itself a fraud.
I am here to tell you that life without an emotional abuser is one of true freedom and happiness.
You have the patience of a saint. It must be difficult when there's children involved. Do you still feel anger towards him?
To add to my situation, I had a particularly toxic mother-in-law who did nothing to improve the situation. Instead, she would soothe her son's bruised ego regularly and hate me for the 'hurt' and the 'anguish' I was supposedly putting her son through. She is partly responsible for her son's behaviour as she is the emotional abuser in her relationship with him.
Makes me wonder, how I got it so wrong, why didn't I see through their act?
Narcissists are very, very good actors!
WannaB Writer Level 7 Commenter 10 months ago
My daughter was an expert at this