Conversion Disorder: When the Body Betrays the Mind

By Lisa Kroulik © February 20, 2011

We had looked forward to our family vacation for months. My husband wasn't overly fond of traveling, but I had somehow convinced him of the need to start making special memories for our daughters. It was only the second family vacation we had ever taken. After months of anticipation, we boarded a plane and flew to Washington, DC for five days on August 28, 2007. Our oldest daughter turned 11 that day.

Our first day of vacation was a lot of fun. We went to the National Spy Museum, which was near our hotel. We were handed scripts of various spies and the girls had a blast pretending to be different characters. We went out to dinner that night and all was normal.

We were at the National Archives the next day, when out of the blue I started to feel nauseated and dizzy. Assuming it was heat stroke, my husband ordered me to sit down. I got up a few minutes later only to grab his arm to stop me from fainting. I quickly progressed to total speech loss, body tremors and confusion. I had no idea what was happening to me.

A man visiting the National Archives, who was a registered nurse, told my husband that he thought I was having a stroke. I was only 39 years old. He called 911 and I was taken by ambulance to George Washington University Hospital. In the Emergency Room, I was asked my name, but I could not remember it without looking at my hospital bracelet. I didn't know who my husband or daughters were. I thought I recognized them from another time in my life, but did not connect that they were my family.

My speech was slurred and my arms and legs jerked uncontrollably. I thought I was either dying or that I would never walk and speak again. Imagine my surprise when the doctors informed me that after blood tests, an MRI and a CT scan, they could not find anything medically wrong with me. I was furious! Did they think I was crazy? How does a person make up such sudden and drastic symptoms?

The next day, it started all over again and back to the hospital I went. My husband informed them angrily that they didn't fix me the night before, which earned me a 10-hour stay this time. They ran all the same tests as well as some new ones. I braced myself for a terrible diagnosis. Was it Lyme's Disease? Bell's palsy? Epilepsy? A stroke, like the nurse at the National Archives originally suggested? Nope. Again, medical testing showed nothing physically wrong with me.

At this point, my doctors and nurses begin to hint that perhaps I was experiencing a great deal of stress. I was incredulous. Stress causes an otherwise healthy 39-year-old woman to physically fall apart? It sounded ridiculous to me.

It's funny how complete strangers could see something I wasn't willing to admit. They asked if my husband and I were getting along. I lied and said that of course we were. They didn't need to know that 18 months earlier, I had uncovered a decades-old secret life of cross-dressing, pornography and sexually acting out with himself. They didn't need to know that I was slowly coming to the realization that the man I had been with for 15 years was severely and pathologically mentally ill. Narcissistic personality disorder, to be exact, and that's just for starters.

They didn't need to know that, because I hadn't admitted it to myself yet. I was a Christian, and Christians forgive. I felt a great deal of internal pressure to forgive him and act like nothing had ever happened, so I tried to do just that.

The rest of our trip I had difficulty walking and speaking. I got severe muscle spasms in my left arm, leg and neck. It would come and go, seemingly at random. Still in denial that my "stroke" could be emotionally related, I refused to go back to George Washington University Hospital. I waited to get home and see my own doctor. I had an appointment with her on the morning of September 5, 2007. She referred me to the local ER, and I was eventually admitted for overnight observation. After more tests and another neurological exam, I was told for the third time that nothing is medically wrong with me. That's when they sent the hospital psychiatrist into my room.

I was now faced with another stranger who could so plainly see the tension in my marriage that I refused to acknowledge. The psychiatrist repeatedly drove home the point that stress in my marriage was causing my physical symptoms. Finally, I relented and told him of the cross-dressing, sexually acting out and of the emotionally abusive behavior my husband frequently directed at me. I was also out of work and without health insurance. My husband worked seasonally and refused to carry health insurance for us. It was the psychiatrist's opinion that the 24/7 time with my husband over our vacation had triggered severe anxiety manifesting itself in sudden physical symptoms. In psychology, this is referred to as Conversion Disorder, and symptoms are as follows:

· Poor coordination or balance

· Paralysis or weakness

· Difficulty speaking or swallowing

· Retention of urine

· Loss of touch or pain sense

· Blindness or other visual symptoms

· Deafness

· Seizures or convulsions

Psychological factors, such as stress or conflict, are associated with the appearance of the physical symptoms. Conversion disorder is characterized by one or more symptoms that suggest a neurological condition. It is usually short-lived, although the underlying psychological factors are not. It is imperative to seek counseling after a medical diagnosis is ruled out.

I was floored. Here I thought I had forgiven him and believed the happy facade I put on for everyone else. The thing about our bodies, though, is that we can't lie to them and mine had finally had enough. I had to face the truth that my husband was not the person he presented to the rest of the world. He was just plain toxic and I would never get better as long as I stayed with him.

In spite of my week-long experience with Conversion Disorder, it took another 15 months for me to leave my husband for good. Denial is a powerful thing when you are just trying to survive, but Conversion Disorder was the wake-up call that lead me to a new life. It was traumatic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am also grateful for it.

No one broad definition covers all aspects of what constitutes emotional abuse, but generally speaking, the following types of behavior occur with regularity in the emotionally abusive relationship

• Attacks on personal character
• Blame and accusations
• Shame and judging
• Sarcasm and twisting what you say
• Rewriting history
• Playing the victim
• Manipulation, control and coercion
• Unpredictable explosions
• Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
• Swearing
• Intimidation
• Escalating situations or refusing to discuss a situation by not speaking at all

Source:  Crosswalk.com