Is it Wrong to Feel Relieved When an Abusive Parent Dies?

By Lisa Kroulik © October 1, 2011

If you grew up in a household where one or both of your parents physically, emotionally or sexually abused you, it was probably all you could do just to survive your childhood. As an adult, you may have found it necessary to distance yourself both emotionally and geographically from the person who caused you so much pain, particularly if the person has never accepted responsibility for their actions.

It may have been years since you have seen or talked to your abusive parent, so when you get news that your mom or dad has died, what are you supposed to do? Attend the funeral and pretend that this person was a loving, healthy parent who you now miss terribly? Stay home and risk the judgment of others who claim you can’t get over the past? It’s not an easy decision, and there is no right answer. The only thing that matters is that you honor your heart and do what feels right for you.

When deciding whether or not to attend the funeral of a parent who never took responsibility for abusing you, consider what you will face if you do decide to attend. Do you come from a dysfunctional family that never really healed either? If so, will they put pressure on you to act like your deceased parent was a wonderful person and make you feel guilty if you are honest? Try to assess the situation from a detached point of view as someone observing your family of origin from the outside. If you feel that even being around them would set you back in your emotional recovery, you might want to consider staying home.

Are there people in your life who understand the reality of your abusive childhood and who would understand if you just couldn’t handle attending the funeral of your abuser? If you are lucky enough to have such support, cling to it to get you through this difficult time. Another thing to keep in mind is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. Your parent who has passed away won’t know whether you were there or not. If the rest of your family of origin has changed since the days of the abuse and it is important for you to lend your support, then go to support them if you feel up to it. The important thing is that you understand your own sense of personal boundaries and do everything you can to protect them.

Regardless of the decision you make about attending the funeral of your abusive parent, you are sure to be faced with difficult, conflicting and painful emotions after all is said and done. Remember that feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. Try to be kind to yourself and not attach any sense of morality to your emotions. If you find that you are really hung up on a particular emotion and it is interfering with your daily life, a professional counselor who is knowledgeable about the dynamics of abusive families might be helpful.

You may find that you have no emotions at all after your abusive parent has died. It could be described as a sense of flatness, with no extremes of emotion in either direction. If that is your first reaction, don’t push yourself to have emotions if you truly don’t feel them. Your lack of feeling may be an unconscious coping mechanism if you just aren’t ready to face those feelings yet, or you may truly have gotten to a point where you don’t care one way or the other about a parent who hasn’t been a part of your life for years.

On the other hand, one of the first things you might feel upon hearing about the death of your abusive parent is relief, followed by an immediate sense of guilt. Who feels relieved when someone dies? Aren’t you always supposed to feel sad? That depends on who has died. If it is someone who has abused and rejected you throughout your life, feeling relieved that it can’t happen anymore is just as legitimate a feeling as anything else. Pay attention to how you felt the moment you heard the news. This is your gut reaction, and it usually speaks volumes.

As time passes, you may truly begin to mourn, but it may not be because your parent is dead. Instead, you may mourn for the relationship you never had, no matter how much effort you put into it. It may be especially painful if you have friends who have close relationships with their parents as adults. It is only natural to yearn for something that seems so normal and effortless to non-abusive families. After all, parents are the people who are supposed to love you the most. Eventually, you may find this sadness turning to anger at a parent who just could never seem to accept you for you are.

Regret and guilt are even more emotions you may have to juggle. If you did everything in your power to forgive and have a closer relationship with your abusive parent, you may have deep feelings of regret that things ended as they did. If only your parent could truly love you, if only he or she tried to be happy, if only you loved were more loving....you get the idea. The sad truth of the matter is your parent was an adult who chose to remain bitter and abusive for whatever reason. There is nothing you could have done or said to change that, and wishing it wasn’t so doesn’t make it not be so.

If you are loving and patient with yourself in the weeks and months following the death of your abusive parent, life should return to what it was before this upheaval in your life. Try to give yourself the love and attention that your parent could never give you, and if you truly don’t know how, seek a professional to walk through this season of life with you. Although it might not seem like it right now, you will get through it and be a better person in the long run for taking a stand against abuse.